This episode is my fiftieth installment of “Under 10”, marking a full year since the birth of this podcast. You could certainly call this a climactic moment. In celebration of the momentous occasion, this week I’m going to reveal to you a personal sexual secret.
In Episode #50, I share with you a secret about my sex life and reveal a lesson that I’ve been teaching you all along throughout all my previous forty-nine episodes, though you may not have realized it was actually about sex. 1:38 Climax in movies or lit...
Unless you have the training, it can be easy to talk at people rather than learning how to talk to them, leaving you lonely and disconnected. In this episode, I introduce you step-by-step to the simple, life changing practice of “tracking impact” and cr...
Pet names are sweet and fun. But if you use them too early in your relationship, you risk falling in love with an idea of a sweetheart rather than the actual person. Here’s how you can avoid that pitfall and help your relationship last. 1:30 Remember th...
Instead of only sounding in your love making when you feel pleasure, in this episode I explain why you might moan in order to expand your pleasure and in so doing, become a source of your own enchantment. 1:08 I’ll be talking about sex in this episode 1:...
It can be easy to rush through a quick squeeze without realizing that hugs can be a source of deep nourishment for our relationships. In this episode, I introduce you to the four principles for learning to give good hugs. 1:11 These two men said I give ...
Healthy intimacy is not a given. It takes practice, especially when we don’t feel like relating. In this episode, I break down how to align with your desire for connection even through your resistance. 00:55 Intimacy in all forms is a practice. 1:21 I’m...
Following the intensity of last week’s podcast, this week’s show is about the period of rest after the expansion, why down time is so important and my favorite suggestions for how to nurture your nervous system. 1:14 How I first learned about coming down...
In this episode, I share the sad yet empowering story of our recent miscarriage and how that event challenged and deepened my bond with my husband and brought me closer to my community. May this account help others on a similar path to know you are not a...
The hard times in life are unavoidable. But feeling alone and isolated inside of them is not. How we listen when our loved ones are struggling can make all the difference. 1:21A hypothetical, low stakes conversation and three options for listening 2:20 ...
Loss hurts. And in the face of it, we can easily resist. When we consider softening something – anything – when we confront loss, we stand to birth new parts of ourselves from which to keep living. 1:17 I share a personal story of epic love, high stake...
Pacing our communication and seeking consent for the small and big transitions in conversation can smooth the rough edges of our relating and build trust. In this episode, I share this “relational superpower” with you step-by-step. 1:13 I tell you what...
Shame keeps us small, cut off from our instincts and separate. In this episode, I teach you a practice for taking your power back from shame as well as helping others do the same. 1:42 Definition of shame from Dr. Brene Brown 2:33 Get curious about your ...
The default is to see others through a narrow lens of what separates us. In Episode 38, I challenge you to look for what connects you to others and take your power back to shape your perception of the people around you. 1:20 I serenade you. 2:32 When we ...
Though it’s easy to blame our partners when we feel turned off, sometimes it’s ourselves that we have fallen out of love with, not them. Beginning by restoring our relationship to ourselves can salvage our love affairs. 1:10 How the pattern of compromi...
If eye gazing makes you squirm, you aren’t alone. But have you ever wondered why? In this episode, I describe the process by which eye gazing reveals the truth of our hearts. 1:07 A first eye gazing exercise 2:66 A peek into what I teach couples in inti...
It’s easy for relationships to burn hot and to burn quickly out. But if you’re after lasting love, it’s the friendship that you will want to prioritize. In this episode, I explain why and how. 01:10 Many couples are struggling right now. 2:25 My high sc...
Without skill or care, an apology can re-inflame the argument and cost us greatly in time, energy and emotions. In this episode, I teach you the four steps to making a heartfelt and efficient apology. 1:18 Think about the last time you apologized 1:38 Ap...
If we aren’t careful, we can treat kissing like a stop along the way to sex. But good kissing can be its own destination and invites us to arrive, over and again, through our lips. In this episode, I tell you how. 2:13 I always considered myself a good...
Most of us were taught to hang on in relationship no matter what. In this episode, I talk about how letting go and creating space can actually bring us closer to love especially in long term relationships. 1:14 Closeness without space creates imbalance....
Many of us learned that crying is a sign of weakness. In this episode, I suggest that to the contrary, crying is a sign that you are paying attention to life as long as you are safe enough to let go of control. 00:58 When was the last time you cried? 01:...
Everyone has the wild feminine in us – the part that feels most deeply. In a world that says “you’re too sensitive” as a way to keep us numb, it’s vital that we cultivate the relational skills to take exquisite care of the sensitive hearts that want to t...
Fighting the feeling of time always running out takes discipline and is necessary to truly live. In this episode, I teach you about the “vertical” axis of time and how to make moments count. 1:48 Busy is not a feeling 2:07 A lack of presence will be ref...
In this episode I explore the intersection of personal healing work and anti-racism, beginning with "decentering". I attempt to describe how decentering ourselves as white people can be a deeply healing practice to us and to the collective wound of raci...
Given the intense stress of this past year, it’s likely a part of you is stuck in time and still shocked at it all. Emotional digestion practices are essential for getting unstuck and liberating our energy to receive life in the present. The “wow” pract...
When we are scared, it’s easy to judge others based on our fears. But when we reveal our more vulnerable parts to one another, we shift from relating to our projections of others to relating to the complex, messy and marvelous humans actually in front o...
After this past year, most of us are sitting atop a mountain of tension and unexpressed anger. In this week’s episode, I discuss why anger is essential to survival and what can make the difference between anger that hurts us and others and anger that tra...
Join me for a six-session, outdoor summer series where we will cultivate, practice and embody the skills necessary to connect over difference. Starting June 9th, we will meet outdoors every other Wednesday during June, July and August in a spacious, 3-acre private residence in Chimacum, WA. Final gathering will be August 18th. I have the feeling that together, we can cultivate and refine the basic tools to support mending where our community has been torn the previous year. I hope you will register and join this journey!
Projecting is all about our perception. It refers to the process of seeing through the lens of the fears and anxieties hidden in our minds. When we can listen with presence, we can pierce through our projections so that we are not relating to fragments of our past but to real, live and unique people in our present. Listening without projecting is essential for connecting and reconnecting with community, and especially when we are relating to people different from us. I hope you will join us for the final online SpeakUP of the season on Wednesday May 26th to practice listening not projecting!
Fear has divided so many of our communities. Are you willing to try to connect through the differences? It's not an easy task. In this episode, I offer initial steps for connecting through conflict. 01:16 Where I live, there is fear in the air. 2:14 Con...
When love comes knocking, can you grow beyond who you have been to let it in? That’s the question I ask in this episode as well as offer a partner practice that can transform your relationship to receiving. 00:32 I start by giving you some love – can yo...
Resisting the urge to numb ourselves from the overwhelm of life takes determination. In this episode, I teach you a simple tool that you can practice any time for reclaiming the preciousness of your moments and turning stale air into pixie dust. 00:43 M...
Most adults misplace our curiosity along the way of growing up. We stop giving ourselves permission to probe into life as we may have once done as children. In this time in the world of uncertainty, pain, confusion and fear, bringing curiosity to our relationships is a game changer. It can shift disconnection into connection. Fear into safety. Enemy into friend. Join us May 5th from 5-6:30pm at Chetzemoka Park in Port Townsend to ignite your curiosity in community together!
Politeness teaches us to ignore what is right in front of us. Curiosity gives us permission to get out loud again, name what’s present and revive our nerve endings. In episode 21, I invite you to reclaim curiosity with me. 1:20 She asked me about what wa...
Boundaries not only protect us, they make it possible for us to let others in. However, if your emotional sensitivity is a survival mechanism, it can feel impossible to stop taking responsibility for others. In episode 20, I describe the challenge of bou...
The theme for our April 21st, online event will be "Reconnection". Together we will ask the questions, "What has this past year been like for me? What have I lost? What have I gained?" Reconnection is not as simple as it might seem. Reconnecting well invites us to tune into all that has transpired in order to expand again sustainably. I hope to see you April 21st to reconnect mindfully and heartfully!
When the tough stuff in relationships arise, most adults look the other way which can be deadly for the quality of our relating over time. But if you have options, you don’t have to default to avoidance. In episode 19, I offer a 5-step process for addr...
The bottom line about grief is that it’s better to feel it than resist it. Yet, most adults resist grief. With episode 18, I demystify the communal grieving process as well as make a connection between pleasure and grief that I bet you didn’t realize. 1:...
In Episode 17 I talk about how using a timer can not only help you be more productive in life, it can also intensify and direct the heat, desire and yearning in your physical intimacy. I dare you to try it this week. 0:49 “I’ll time you!” worked every t...
Reconnection is not as simple as it might seem. When we go so long without social contact, our relational system by necessity, changes, to adapt to the solitude. Reconnecting well invites us to tune into our current relational bodies in order to move at a pace that will help us expand again sustainably. Join us from 5-6:30pm on Wednesday April 14th at Chetzemoka Park in Port Townsend to reconnect well together.
There’s so much in life right now that can’t be fixed or changed. The harder option is to listen, ground and feel. In this episode, I walk you through how to say nothing as a listener and in so doing, effectively lighten the emotional loads of those ar...
While infants can’t do it, as adults we can ask for what we need when we most need it. In this week’s episode, I share candidly about my rough week and how I found my words to climb out of my despair. Episode 15 is here. 1:00 I introduce you to my sist...
Next SpeakUP on Wednesday, March 24th at 6:30pm PST will be on saying, "I'm sorry". We will all mess up, hurt people we love and say things we didn't mean. It's how we clean it up that will determine the depth and integrity of our relationships. Delivering a heartfelt apology asks a great amount of presence and willingness to feel how intimately we are each connected and how much we impact one another. Join us next SpeakUP to practice together!
It’s an advanced skill to avoid blaming those we trust the most when we are hurting. And it’s vital for ensuring we preserve our sources of support when we most need them. Episode 14 is here. 1:00 A definition of blaming in relationship2:00 The conundru...
Next SpeakUP on Wednesday March 10th will be on what feeds us! Following up with our previous themes of boundaries and consent and saying and celebrating "no", we will focus our next games night on saying "yes"! So what feeds you? How do you take care of yourself? Make new friends? Relax? What makes you laugh? Please bring your journal or paper and a pen to this event.
It may be timeless, but the traditional advice, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” may not fit the modern relationship. 0:57 I am willing to contradict the Bible to find what works for the modern relationship2:20 Late at night, the gargoyles com...
If you have therapists and other mental health professionals in your networks of friends and family, there are a few things worth keeping in mind about how to be a friend to the folks who are quietly holding together the sanity of our country, one video session at a time.
In episode 12... We think we need to wait for something good to happen before we savor life. But it’s possible to savor the little things and in so doing, grow more of the good things we want. 0:44 I share a fun secret with you about my podcast and sex1...
The ability to connect your words to your sexual body matters. In episode 11, I share a first step to talking about sex in healthy, connected ways. Warning: this episode contains content that may be challenging for very sensitive listeners. 1:50 Sex bri...
On Wednesday February 24th from 6:30-8:30pm PST, we will explore what the elements of consent include. This night will be a fundraiser for central Texas communities of color hardest hit by the winter storms. Together, we will slow down and play games to help sensitize our relating muscles to what authentic consent in adult relating can feel like. It's a deeply healing practice. I hope to see you there to raise funds for Texas communities in need!
We’ve mostly been taught in love to make it feel good. But learning to expand into the ache of wanting but not having is a vital element for mature and empowering intimacy. In episode 10, I invite you to practice “grounded yearning” with me. 1:15 Distre...
In episode 9, I introduce you to my 19-year-old college self and describe my choice to start therapy. The year was 1995. I haven’t stopped since. Here’s why. 1:00 My intent is not to persuade you but to educate you.2:00 The beginning of my therapy journe...
Join us Wednesday, February 10th from 6:30-8:30pm PST to explore what it means to collaborate as community committed to creating new norms around boundaries together. By request, we are continuing this theme from last time because you said, "Yes we need to talk about this more!" Bring your questions, challenges, and quandaries about boundaries to practice setting and receiving boundaries in care-filled, skillful, authentic and healing ways. All are welcome!
In episode 8, I talk about why boundaries are important, what makes them so darn hard and an example of “re-norming” boundaries in my connection to my friend, Renee. 0:40 Shifting boundaries from being bad into something we celebrate2:00 We have to be...
In episode 7, I tell you about an exchange I had with my husband when I didn’t feel listened to and how I handled it. Making love stay is a practice. Here’s one way you can practice, too. 0:38 My husband didn’t get it right with me.1:25 What would you ...
This SpeakUP on Wednesday January 27th from 6:30-8:30pm PST, we are going to focus on the role that we as authentic community members play in helping each individual assert their limits and boundaries. Instead of reacting to a boundary by pulling away, we can offer, "Thank you for taking care of yourself" and other affirmations for the boundary that can change everything. Join us to practice this vital skill! No one turned away for lack of funds.
It's one thing to point out what isn't working in the world. It's another thing to become or embody the change we wish to see, as Ghandi famously called for. At our next SpeakUP on Wednesday January 13th 6:30-8:30pm PST, we will explore the small and big ways we can close the gap between sitting in the sidelines of a world in need and making direct differences in the way we make choices in our day-to-day lives. All are welcome!
In episode number 6, I introduce “inner parts work” and talk about saying “hi” to your critic. Try it out. You may just find that when you acknowledge your critic in a welcoming, friendly way, you create more room inside to let others in too. 1:40 The “...
In episode 5, I talk about how in a life of authenticity, we will make messes. It’s inevitable! Being able to say, “I’m sorry” with the integrity of your body and actions behind it will make all the difference for continued and deepening connection. 1:...
In Episode 4, I challenge you to make agreements with the people in your life to reveal more truth. It will change you, them and your ability to weather the storms of your lives together. 0:38 I serenade you!1:25 “Can you and I make an agreement?"3:00 M...
