I am not a parenting expert. I am a parent. After over twenty years practicing in the fields of adult Psychology and Intimacy Coaching, I am also a devoted student of human relating. At two and a half years into my parenting journey, I decided to distill a handful of insights I have gleaned through coaching adults that are guiding my humbling, hapless and hopefully helpful child rearing.
So first, a little bit about my daughter. Her name is Joya, after my late mother, Joyce. Her middle name is Clare, after my mother-in-law, Pamela Claire. She carries the legacy of her grandmothers. Dear friends pointed out, upon hearing her name in the first days of her life, she is a baby of Joyous Clarity! This has been true of Joya Clare.
She is also ferocious. Though she started life with several health challenges, Joya has since caught up on physical weight as well as psychic gravity. She is strong willed, fiery, determined, exquisitely aware, deeply sensitive, highly articulate and very, very funny. She loves to dance. I think she may have been a whirling dervish in a former life. She sleeps next to me every night and insists on always pushing her feet between my knees while we sleep. She has a strong relationship with her body. Today as her father and she walked out the door, she told me with her finger pointing my direction, “Listen to your body, mama”. She has recently started making up her own songs, the latest titled, “Sun On the Apple Tree”. She still can’t pronounce “L’s” but speaks distinctly about buffalo, the Indian Ocean and construction zones. She is a summer fruit foraging fanatic, obsessed with huckleberries and thimbleberries, and daily tracks the bounty of wild cherries on the trees in our backyard. It’s a feat to keep up with her.
Figuring out how to feed Joya’s appetite for life while maintaining my own center of gravity has been way harder than I expected. Lucky for me and for her, I have some accumulated knowledge to fall back on.
Below is my list, “5 Things That Intimacy Coaching Adults Has Taught Me About Parenting My Toddler”.
Ahem. Ok here goes (did I mention I’m not a parenting expert?)
(1)“YES and…”: This comes from theatre improv, is a profound way to build rather than break connection and works marvelously in parenting. I try to use outright “no” sparingly. In my experience of navigating Joya’s enthusiasm, outright no kills the enthusiasm, engages power struggles and drains energy. Example: “Mama let’s go to Suzanne’s to pick up my scooter today”. (We left it there last week. But today we are nowhere near Suzanne’s house and don’t have time to pick it up.) Instead of responding with, “No honey we can’t do that today because… (blah blah blah)…” I say. “Ah yes, your scooter is over at Suzanne’s house! You’re excited to get it back, huh? Do you think Sven has finished cleaning it yet?” This principle is about staying with her excitement without moving immediately into a negotiation about action and definitely not just saying, “No”. About two thirds of the time, she doesn’t come back to the initial request. Because that wasn’t what mattered. What mattered was sharing her desire and having it acknowledged. So much of the time when adults have missed connections, it’s because the simple feeling of being acknowledged was overlooked in the usually well meaning attempt to do or fix something. Yes, and…leads with the acknowledgment.
(2) Reflective Listening: I’ve heard this referred to as the “Robot Psychiatrist”. It involves saying back to a person exactly what they said in their own words. No interpretation. It may seem silly, but I say back to my daughter much of what she says to me, verbatim. I know it’s not intuitive for many; it is for me. Especially as she is acquiring new language skills at such a rapid pace, repeating her words back consolidates her learning and affirms her communication has been received. When I do this, I feel like I’m saying to her with my energy, your words have weight to me honey. Weight enough that I will use my energy and power as an adult to reflect them. Of note, I never have a coaching session without spending significant time saying back to my clients what you have said to me. You may not notice this, but it’s integral to creating the feeling of being listened to.
(3) Sequencing: There’s a group facilitation practice called “sequencing” that I learned in a trauma sensitivity training I took years ago. I use it especially when I am teaching workshops with dense content. When transitioning to a new activity, the skill is to summarize simply what came before. It helps the nervous system “catch up” to the moment. I do that with Joya especially if we have had a full day and I have any concern about her being overstimulated. “So, you went to Molly Rose’s this morning and played with your friends. Then I picked you up and you ate snacks and napped. Then you played with Haley on the beach. And now you’re home and you, me and Dada are making dinner! Wow what a day!” When I do this, I can almost see her brain digesting the previous activities and arriving into the moment just a little more.
(4) Don’t Talk About Her, Talk to Her: This one is tricky. The easiest trap in the world as a parent is to talk about our kids in front of them to other adults. I really try not to do this. I feel it dishonors her personhood. She’s right there! She can hear me! So if I’m talking about her, I use the second person “you”. For example, if I am reviewing her day to her father and we are all there together, I might say, “Joya, you tried out a new jump/spin combo on the trampoline today, didn’t you?” I’m tracking her even when I’m talking to other adults, as much as possible. So that she knows, yes you are a person who matters. If you have ever done couple’s coaching with me, you know I often nudge you to look at your partner while talking, rather than talking about them. Same same. It all fosters depth of aliveness between people and refines the engagement.
(5) Consent: Practicing consent with little bodies in small ways is growing in practice, thankfully. But again, in the rush and whoosh of parenting, it’s so easy to wipe our kids mouths or butts or pick them up without asking. This one as well is sneaky. I’m guilty of foisting my washcloth on Joya’s sticky hands after she has eaten watermelon without slowing down to check her readiness. But as much as possible, I effort to pause before doing anything to her and ask, “Can I brush your teeth now? Can I pick you up now?” And then listening to and respecting her answer. It builds the same trust, ease and empowerment between us that I know flows from consent-based, adult relationships.
Let me close by reminding you, one more time, these are not parenting tips from a parenting expert! But principles in process from one mom who is attempting to translate what she knows in one realm to another. Think of this list like principles for celebrating personhood at any age!
Does any of this resonate with your parenting, if you are a parent? Do you recognize your own adult relationship practices in these tips for kids? I’ll note, my own rearing had its strengths, but lacked a number of these nuances. Do you find yourself longing for parenting that takes care of the sensitive parts of you, too? I know I do! I continue to heal what was missing in my past with my best efforts to give my bright, burgeoning daughter what she needs in the present.
Shoot me an email, let me know what you think! I’d love to hear!
