Pain without connection becomes like a death urge. An overwhelm for the heart and nervous system. A need to escape life and numb feeling. A panicked lockdown that knows, we were not designed to live like this.
I want words that aren’t the “doing” kind. Not the phrases that disorient you with some shiny distant maybe thing when underneath and right here and right now I’m dull and tarnished and wanting you to see. “It will work out”, “I’m really very lucky”, and “l’ll keep you posted”, I said How automatically I placated and hid, how easily you got distracted and how lonely I felt when you took my bait and smiled.
I’m going to give you some advice. I know you didn’t ask for it.If you are hurting, tell someone.You’re the one sitting at the holiday gathering putting on the smile that fools them all, laughing at the right moments and being witty to keep them sure, “This one’s got it together.”
I love my anger. I have been likened to a lioness several times in the last few weeks and I feel pride at the comparison. Pun intended.It’s taken me years to access this power. For most of my early adulthood, my lioness lay muzzled. With her on my side now, awake and roaring, I feel strong.
When the news broke about the recent shootings in Dallas last Thursday, my heart froze. I found out when my friend Saul messaged me on Facebook. “Turn on the news”, he wrote. “There have been attacks”.
It usually starts the same way. One of us has something difficult to share. It’s like a hot potato, difficult to hold. We toss it about, circling the conversation before eventually blurting some news to the other that lands like a burning coal we didn’t see coming. Ouch! Damage is done.