“I’m finding new ways to praise God while I’m having sex with my husband.”
– Tiarra, married 3 years
This statement stopped me in my tracks last Friday.
As the snow cascaded down in Dallas, I listened to my new, vivacious friend Tiarra talk about her passionate conviction that her love making and her love of God are deeply intertwined.
And I realized how much I feel the same. And how I imagine most people wouldn’t realize what a strong, spiritual background I come from.
If you only know me as an outspoken sexuality coach, you may not know that my spiritual life growing up in Plano, TX, included a living relationship to a very personal God. In my parents’ home, when I woke up, I thanked Jesus for a good night’s sleep. Before my mother died, while we were still eating dinner as a family, we took turns giving thanks around the table. After we ate, yup, we gave thanks again before doing the dishes.
I even have rather humiliating memories of standing outside of a movie theater as a pre-teen holding hands as a family while my Dad insisted on having a prayerful movie debrief (evidently there had been a lot of violence in that movie).
As an adult, not much has actually changed. I still like to do prayerful rituals at movie theaters. I still pray before meals. I talk to God now while driving my lovely new car and yes, still before bed.
I also work as an Orgasmic Intimacy Coach and feel passionate about teaching women and men how to have greater sensation, connection and aliveness in their physical and relational intimacy.
In my world, these two parts of me stem from the same source: a love and gratitude for being alive and a commitment to feeling and surrendering to my full power and connection to something greater that moves through me.
Last Friday talking to Tiarra I was reminded of this connection. And the importance of having an out loud dialogue about the bridge between our church/synogogue/ashram/mosque-going selves and our bedroom selves.
I’m afraid most often those two seem very separate. As if sex is wrong or impure but going to our place of worship is righteous and shows our faith.
I think sex is right. I think God is right. And I think we can integrate our love of the God of our understanding with our love of pleasure in intimate, sexual connection, with intentional education and courageous dialogue to challenge old assumptions.
In fact, I think we must.
Here’s what I have learned. Sexuality cut off from my spiritual awareness has lead me into unhealthy relationships where more shame has piled on. Spirituality cut off from my sexual self often doesn’t find its way into my day to day life and body and can be a source of separation rather than a source of connection. So much is missing in this separation.
I see my teaching of sexual wellness in Dallas as a bridge between the two.
I have a feeling my friend Tiarra is going to be part of that dialogue. As we spoke last week she went on to add:
“Why would the one area where I am the most intimate be the area where I don’t bring my faith? You are missing a component if you do that.
Everything is work, is the good work. But you have to invest. It’s not an involuntary act. I can take my clothes off and be open and relaxed and enjoy that. What other thing could that be but a gift straight from God?”
I couldn’t agree with her more.
September 16th & 17th, 2017, I am co-teaching a two-day workshop for integrating our sexual selves with the rest of us. Our relational, emotional, psychological, physical and yes, our spiritual selves. The class is called “Conscious Orgasm”. It feels vital that we find the ways, as Tiarra so beautifully put it, to use our sex to heal, nourish and celebrate our connection to the divine. If you yearn for this too, join us.