Episode 24 – Mending Our Relationships: How Do We Communicate Across Difference?

Fear has divided so many of our communities. Are you willing to try to connect through the differences?  It’s not an easy task. In this episode, I offer initial steps for connecting through conflict.

5.17.2021 – Episode Notes

01:16 Where I live, there is fear in the air.
2:14 Conflict has become normalized.
2:54 Growing up I learned conflict was explosive and scary
3:11 A lack of examples of conflict that can connect us
3:23 Body noticing – what happens when you encounter disagreement?
3:51 The importance of a grounded nervous system
4:24 Views versus value
5:16 Disagreement becomes a doorway and an opportunity
6:08 The willingness to try imperfectly and tenaciously
6:54 Keep the focus on the other person
7:43 The superpower that trumps all other superpowers
8:18 My qualifiers
9:26 This week’s homework

Resources: Consider watching this 3-part Instagram series on settling your nervous system to support you to communicate across difference.  Video #1 on Rhythm. Video #2 on Grounding. Video #3 on Relationships. Additionally, here’s a short YouTube video on depolarizing which includes more tools for turning conflict into connection.

Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Mia Kelley

Episode 23 – Can I Give You Some Love? The Advanced Yoga of Receiving

When love comes knocking, can you grow beyond who you have been to let it in?  That’s the question I ask in this episode as well as offer a partner practice that can transform your relationship to receiving.

5.17.2021 – Episode Notes

00:32 I start by giving you some love – can you receive it?
1:57 Think about when someone gives you a complement
2:29 The Big Leap and the Upper Limit Problem
3:16 The factors that set our limits for happiness
4:31 What once protected us can now sharply limit us
5:12 I share a personal story about getting through a very dark time in my life.
6:50 Receiving begins with the in breath.
7:15 Instructions for this week’s homework
8:32 Drinking in the offer of love down your spine to your feet
9:00 Having someone home to receive love is vital for growing into a happier version of yourself

Resources: The Big Leap (2010) by Dr. Gay Hendricks is a must read. The Hendricks Institute website also has volumes of free resources on living your genius and finding lasting happiness.
 
Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Mia Kelley

Episode 22 – 123…London: A Tool for Bringing the Magic Back to Your Relating

Resisting the urge to numb ourselves from the overwhelm of life takes determination. In this episode, I teach you a simple tool that you can practice any time for reclaiming the preciousness of your moments and turning stale air into pixie dust.

5.10.2021 – Episode Notes

00:43 My definition of magic
01:02 I tell the story of my Fulbright year and that moment of magic on the train platform
2:45 “1…2…3. London.”
3:55 Why you might be missing moments of your life, too
4:56 The risk of this shortcut
5:25 What he actually did to shake my reality
5:44 All of us have access to moments that can move us to tears, if we are willing to notice.
6:32 You and I are sharing an important moment right now.
7:03 I call it “sequencing” or “framing”
7:48 “You are my husband”.
8:28 It takes calling ourselves back.
9:08 This week’s homework.

Podcast Produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Mia Kelley

Episode 21 – Aren’t You Curious to Hear This Week’s Theme?

Politeness teaches us to ignore what is right in front of us. Curiosity gives us permission to get out loud again, name what’s present and revive our nerve endings. In this episode, I invite you to reclaim curiosity with me.

5.03.2021 – Episode Notes

1:20 She asked me about what was right under my nose.
2:17 We learned to get less bold and started pretending.
3:02 If our culture’s value is to be anesthetized, then curiosity will always be a threat.
3:43 My physical body guides my curiosity.
4:20 Valerie Kaur and her book See No Stranger and her quote about wonder
6:17 Engaging curiosity involves turning the volume back up on your attention that has been muted.
6:48 Your body will start lighting back up when you follow your curiosity.
7:20 Story about coffee with a new friend who couldn’t reciprocate my curiosity
8:26 Following our curiosity means taking risks.
8:46 This week’s homework – play “Spotlight” with your partner.
10:08 Politeness taught us to ignore – curiosity returns permission to name what’s present.

Resources: See No Stranger: A Memoir & Manifesto of Revolutionary Love (2020) by Valerie Kaur. https://valariekaur.com/see-no-stranger/

Podcast produced by Sal De Rosalia
Music composed and performed by Mia Kelley

Episode 20 – Becoming A Jedi of Boundaries

Boundaries not only protect us, they make it possible for us to let others in. However, if your emotional sensitivity is a survival mechanism, it can feel impossible to stop taking responsibility for others. In this episode, I describe the challenge of boundaries for highly empathic people and include essential action steps for restoring a feeling of control in your relationships.

4.26.2021 – Episode Notes

1:09 I got confused about boundaries at a young age
2:30 I call this “empathy activated in the jungle”
3:10 Empathy without boundaries exacts a high price from the empathizer
3:57 How Obi-Wan Kenobi guided the jedis to befriend the force
4:22 Our adult work is to install the control deck
4:45 We lose respect for ourselves when we let others overstep us
5:15 I fall in love with myself when this happens
6:10 Boundaries help us feel the magnet
6:38 You can be with them but not become them
6:45 Aaron Johnson of Holistic Resistance and his example of boundaries
6:22 “To not be invincible is how I ground myself”
8:19 This is a good way to start your boundaries practice
8:58 This week’s practice
9:28 Boundary mantras to repeat

Resources: Holistic Resistance and their anti-racist, community fostering programs have changed my life.  I can’t recommend them enough and encourage you to sign up for one of their offerings.

Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia
Music composed and performed by Mia Kelley

Episode 19 – Can You Risk the Mess to Come Alive? Befriending Conflict in Relationships

When the tough stuff in relationships arise, most adults look the other way which can be deadly for the quality of our relating over time.  But if you have options, you don’t have to default to avoidance.  In this episode, I offer a 5-step process for addressing conflict in healthy ways.

4.19.2021 – Episode Notes

00:29 Here’s what I mean by conflict
1:47 Two main consequences of long-term conflict avoidance
2:52 Like trying to eat dinner over a field of land mines
3:04 Avoidance diminishes the quality of our relating
3:15 Why we avoid
4:31 Our relationship norms have dictated that anything but happy was bad
6:07 They have their heads stuck up a dark, stinky place (don’t do this).
7:13 5-step preventive process for addressing conflict in healthy ways
8:55 Put the feelings on the table without trying to fix, solve or blame
9:36 This week’s homework

Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia

Episode 18 – The Intimate Connection Between Pleasure & Grief

The bottom line about grief is that it’s better to feel it than resist it. Yet, most adults resist grief. With this episode, I demystify the communal grieving process as well as make a connection between pleasure and grief that I bet you didn’t realize.

4.12.2021 – Episode Notes

00:45 The beginning of my grief journey
1:23 My initial grieving experiences were private
2:11 I was scared of being seen in my grief.
3:48 What happened next changed my life.
4:20 One by one, people would burst open.
4:40 No one went to the altar alone.
5:16 I willed my feet to move and found myself in a row of grievers.
6:14 The force of the room’s commitment to grieving took me into its current.
7:18 In the company of others, I can let go of what I couldn’t release alone.
7:28 What does grief have to do with pleasure?
8:22 Moving grief means you have more room for pleasure.
9:02 Grief is its own form of orgasm.
9:18 This week’s homework – two parts.
9:56 The more of us who grieve, the more pleasure and wisdom can flow in the world.

Resources: Some of my favorite songs to grieve to:  The Promise (1995) by Tracy Chapman. Bone Dance (2015) by Deya Dova. Trusty and True (2014) by Damien Rice. Go In Peace (2017) by Sam Baker.

For community grieving online: “Holding Our Hearts: A Spring Grief Tending Circle (6 weeks)” – https://tinyurl.com/23ew25r9 – and “Community Grief Tending Circles (twice a month on Zoom  Next one April 17th)” – https://tinyurl.com/rw5374rd

Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia

Episode 17 – How Using A Timer Can Be Sexy

Using a timer can not only help you be more productive in life, it can also intensify and direct the heat, desire and yearning in your physical intimacy.  I dare you to try it this week.

4.05.2021 – Episode Notes

00:49 “I’ll time you!” worked every time with our youngest brother.
1:35 When we create the artifact of limited time, something inside may enliven that would otherwise be dull.
2:25 It can be easy to fog out in our days without social interaction.
3:50 Dr. Brene Brown’s definition of vulnerability
4:49 While the timer is ticking, open your heart and let your words follow.
5:45 Why setting a timer for makeouts or sex works
6:15 Left wanting more in physical intimacy is a good thing!
7:02 I describe most delicious, 3-minute kiss with my husband
7:41 “You must respect the ding!”
8:32 This week’s homework.

Resources: Daring Greatly (2012) by Dr. Brene Brown

Podcast produced by Sal DeRosalia

Episode 16 – Saying Nothing, You Give Me Everything

Episode 15 – Baby Tell Me What You Need!

Episode 14 – Blaming: The Classic Relationship Blunder

Episode 13 – Let the Sun Set On Your Anger & Rise On Your Forgiveness

It may be timeless, but the traditional advice, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” may not fit the modern relationship.

3.08.2021 – Episode Notes

00:37 I am willing to contradict the Bible to find what works for the modern relationship
2:00  Late at night, the gargoyles come out.
2:28  When the sun rises, I have more access to my forgiveness.
2:45  Sleep is a winning factor when it comes to love.
4:22 When did you stop dancing? Singing?  Being enchanted by stories?  Finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?
5:00 During sleep, we are doing important emotional metabolizing.
5:45 My husband’s insight (he can’t sleep when he’s angry)
6:31 The compromise (use this script)
7:23 The quality of our relationships with others will flow from the quality of our relationship with ourselves.
7:35 This week’s practice

Resources: Read about cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien and her inspiring publications here.

Podcast Edited and Produced by Sal DeRosalia

Episode 12 – Savoring (In Bed)

We think we need to wait for something good to happen before we savor life. But it’s possible to savor the little things and in so doing, grow more of the good things we want.

3.01.2021 – Episode Notes

0:24 I share a fun secret with you about my podcast and sex
1:15 Dad loved food – “savoring and sweating”
1:55 When you choose to lean into enjoying a moment, it can reward you with more things to enjoy.
2:37 Why this is hard
3:38 Find the one thing you can be grateful for and savor the sh***t out of it.
3:40 We need to sit at the table of pain and sweat and savor to grow the resilience to face what needs to be faced.
4:05 Training our brains to associate a sensory experience with pleasure
5:05 I improved the quality of the massage by telling the therapist what I liked.
6:20 If all that is happening in relationship is a pointing out of what isn’t working, then there isn’t fuel to create the better version of the partnership.
7:10 Enjoyment is vulnerable.
8:10 Mmmm’ing and hearing yourself affirm your right to pleasure
8:45 This week’s homework – two practices

Resources: Dr.Rick Hanson and “growing the good”

Podcast Edited and Produced by Sal DeRosalia 

Episode 11 – Talking About Talking About Sex

The ability to connect your words to your sexual body matters. In this episode, I share a first step to talking about sex in healthy, connected ways. Warning: this episode contains content that may be challenging for very sensitive listeners.

2.22.2021 – Episode Notes

1:30  Sex brings us into feelings
1:45  The ability to stay present in high sensation
2:00  Notice what happens for you as you listen
2:45  Talking about sex in the VA
3:45  Direct correlation between talking about sex and having fulfilling sex
4:30  Clarifying terms
5:35  Making sexual connection a practice
7:48  Our genitals deserve to be named
8:43  This week’s practice 

Podcast Edited and Produced by Sal DeRosalia

Episode 10 – Grounded Yearning: The Art of Breaking Open

We’ve mostly been taught in love to make it feel good.  But learning to expand into the ache of wanting but not having or changing is a vital element for mature and empowering intimacy. In this episode, I invite you to practice “grounded yearning” with me.

2.15.2021 – Episode Notes

 0:55 Distress or discomfort has value to us
1:30 Big feelings need big space
1:41 Think, an ocean trying to get through a garden hose
2:07 A definition of yearning
2:56 I want my emotions to energize, inspire and expand me – not drown me
3:10 You have to practice distress tolerance/self-soothing to receive the benefit of yearning (see resources below)
4:00 Let’s try a yearning experiment…
6:04 To savor what you once wanted to avoid
7:50 It’s not a “break apart” – it’s a “break open” – into a bigger version of yourself
8:31 Choosing feeling stretches my emotional holding tank
8:40 Welcoming the ache of sad classical music
9:33 This week’s practice – saying yes to the yearning

Resources on distress tolerance and self soothing: Podcast “DBT + Me” On Spotify and Apple.  A Healing Space: Befriending Ourselves in Difficult Times by Matt Licata

Podcast Edited and Produced by Sal DeRosalia 

Episode 9 – Why I Go To Therapy & Why You Might, Too

In this episode, I introduce you to my 19-year-old college self and describe my choice to start therapy. The year was 1995. I haven’t stopped since. Here’s why.

2.8.2021 – Episode Notes

0:40: My intent is not to persuade you but to educate you.
1:40: The beginning of my therapy journey
2:35: He told me that I coped by intellectualizing.
3:30: I began to drop into my body and unlock grief, rage, horror and sadness.
3:55: Like waking up from a fog.
4:14: With my therapist, I practice “doing life better”.
4:47: The therapy relationship is a template – a taste of healthy relating – that we can repeat.
5:08: Without support to come out of your intellect and into the body, you may not change your patterns.
5:30: A possible starting point – doing research and listening to your gut.
6:42: “I told him I quit. I don’t trust you”.  He had the right answer for me.
7:15: Why hire a coach or a therapist? Here’s why.
8:30: Consider setting an intention to acknowledge your healing and well-being.
8:50: Questions you can ask a potential therapist or coach.

Bonus: If you DO decide to seek out a therapist or coach, here are some questions I recommend you ask  to empower you to find the right person. See if any of these might feel relevant or useful to you! (1) Are you trained to deal with trauma? If so, how?  (2) Do you work with the body in therapy or coaching? If so, how?  (3) What’s your own history of being in therapy? (4) I have trouble opening up to people I don’t know. How will you help me with that?  (5) Do you offer a sliding scale, Covid discounts or social justice rates to help me afford your services?

Podcast Edited and Produced by Sal DeRosalia 

Episode 8 – Re-Norming Boundaries

In this episode, I talk about why boundaries are important, what makes them so darn hard and an example of “re-norming” boundaries in my connection to my friend, Renee.   

2.1.2021 – Episode Notes

 00:20 seconds: Shifting boundaries from being bad into something we celebrate
1:40: We have to be a person to connect with other people.
1:55: Some examples of boundaries I set this week
3:00: Looking to childhood lessons around boundaries to understand why they are hard to set in adulthood
4:15: Most adult relationships are not boundary friendly
4:45: There’s nothing wrong with you if you struggle with setting boundaries.
5:45: Together we have to change the norms around boundaries.
6:15: Meet my friend Renee: A personal example of re-norming boundaries
7:30: “Thank you for taking care of yourself”.
8:30: Because she celebrates my “no”, my heart can let her in.
8:50: Two take-home tools to practice re-norming boundaries in your relationships

Podcast Edited and Produced by Sal DeRosalia 

Episode 7 – Making Love Stay

In this episode, I tell you about an exchange I had with my husband when I didn’t feel listened to and how I handled it.  Making love stay is a practice.  Here’s one way you can practice, too.

1.25.2021 – Episode Notes

0:18 seconds: My husband didn’t get it right with me.
1:05: What would you have done?
1:49: Tom Robbins quote about love and making magic
3:15: Magic isn’t possible when you don’t feel safe.
3:55: As long as you feel safe, try speaking to the best parts of the other person.
4:50: I could have punished him, but…
6:00: Here’s what I did. And I got what I wanted.
7:30: You may have buttons that send you back in time, too.
7:55: Body-based, present moment practices are a “must” for healthy relating.
8:35: The bad things that happened in the past don’t have to run on repeat.
10:05: When we start with love, it will not only stay – it will grow.

Podcast Edited and Produced by Sal DeRosalia

Episode 6 – Saying “Hi” to Your Inner Critic aka Letting Others In

In this episode, I introduce “inner parts work” and talk about saying “hi” to your critic. Try it out. You may just find that when you acknowledge your critic in a welcoming, friendly way, you create more room inside to let others in too.

1.18.2021 – Episode Notes

1:20 The “outer” work of intimacy depends on the “inside work” of connection with ourselves
2:05 Introduction to working with parts
3:15 Health is the integration of all the parts
4:12 Can you hear your critic?
5:37 My critic is a tight-bun-wearing-academic who roars!
6:50 Live demo: I say hi to my inner critic (a first step)
8:57 If it’s not a fun party for me inside, I’m not going to invite you!
9:10 The voice of the inner critic will block you from loving me
9:32 Even a little softening makes room for others to get in
9:39 You can try this with kids too!

Podcast Edited and Produced by Sal DeRosalia 

Episode 5 – The Embodied I’m Sorry: More Than Words

In this episode, I talk about how in a life of authenticity, we will make messes. It’s inevitable! Being able to say “I’m sorry” with the integrity of your body and actions behind it will make all the difference for continued and deepening connection.

1.11.2021 – Episode Notes
1:05 In a life of authenticity, it’s not a question of “will we” make waves. We will. It’s how we clean it up that matters.
3:00 Taking up space is part of being a healthy human. In a dynamic, full range life, we want to make an impact. It’s a sign that we are connected.
4:35 Growing up, I heard “I’m sorry” without change.  I learned not to trust those words.
6:25 “I’m sorry. And, I would like to know the impact my actions had on you. Would you tell me?”
7:35 When I can tolerate the discomfort, I can learn from my behavior.

Podcast Edited and Produced by Sal DeRosalia

Episode 4 – Saying What’s True Part 2: Making Agreements for Truth

In Episode 4, I challenge you to make agreements with the people in your life to reveal more truth.

1.4.2021 – Episode Notes
0:18 I serenade you!
1:05 “Can you and I make an agreement?”
2:40 Making agreements creates a “net” to catch us in the discomfort so we don’t have to run away
3:55 Last week I confronted my sister about a broken agreement
5:15 “Authenticity is efficient”
6:00 It’s never too late to come back into truth.
6:17 Starting with “I need to admit that…”
7:20 When you prioritize truth in relating, you don’t have to hide when the going gets tough
7:45 My challenge to you for the week – make your own agreements for truth

Podcast Edited and Produced by Sal DeRosalia 

Episode 3 – Saying What’s True Part 1: Starting With the Body

In Episode 3, I connect truth telling in relationship with getting connected to the body, even the stinkiest parts of being in the body!

12.28.2020 – Episode Notes
1:30 What makes saying what’s true so hard
2:00 We were noticing what was true – but no one was naming it
3:00 “Don’t name the thing”
3:53 I don’t like mustard!
5:10 How do we reconcile what we are saying with what we are feeling? Begin with the body
6:15 First practice this week: Notice the body without story
7:12 I say the “f” word (it’s not what you think)
8:00 When we start with the body, we close the gap between what we feel and what’s okay to name
9:33 Second practice this week: Notice that we all fart, including you!
11:10 I was using new recording software and couldn’t see the time tracker and “Under 10” got a bonus minute ;).

Podcast Edited and Produced by Sal DeRosalia 

Episode 2 – Risking Uncool To Get On Purpose In Connection

In Episode 2, I share a story from my childhood to demonstrate what it means to shed cool in lieu of taking care of ourselves and our hearts. Be sure to try this week’s assignment!

12.21.2020 – Episode Notes
1:05 Think about intimacy practices like exercise reps
1:25 The harder life gets, the more we need “connection muscle tone”
1:50. Discipline can be sexy!
2:50 A very embarrassing story from 1986
5:00 Dad wanted us to pause and interrupt “business as usual”
5:30 A new definition of cool
6:25 My husband squeezed my knee at this point
6:40 “Are you available to talk? I really need someone to listen”
7:30 Your challenge for the week (with options)

Podcast Edited and Produced by Sal DeRosalia 

Episode 1 – Emotional Literacy: The Class None of Us Took (but it’s not too late…)

In this opening episode, I introduce the idea that everyone can cultivate the ability to connect in deep, satisfying ways.  Think of intimacy like a curriculum. In “Under 10”, I will share with you the tools for learning the curriculum of intimacy, step-by-step.

12.14.2020 – Episode Notes
30 seconds: The birth of this podcast
2:25 I reveal my age
2:54 What was missing in my education (and yours too)
4:45 What if we practiced relating like learning scales on a piano
5:50 Think about this podcast like an intimacy class
6:25 Getting on purpose with our relating
7:40 Your assignment for this week
9:30 No need for shame if we treat intimacy like something we can all learn

Podcast Edited and Produced by Sal DeRosalia